Often in the counseling office, I find that we as Christians can regard the word ‘assertive’ as a negative trait. For some people it seems to contradict an idea of meekness or gentleness. I often hear the phrase ‘turn the other cheek’ used as an example of a teaching that contradicts assertiveness as a Christlike characteristic.

However, assertiveness is the. Here’s why:

Non-Communication (Passive)

"I have needs, but I do not communicate them." This is sometimes regarded as a positive trait in people. The idea that a person does not express directly what is important to them, or their preferences, can be interpreted as that person being ‘easy going’ or ‘a real people person’. However, not communicating needs and opinions often leads to high levels of depression, anxiety, and a diminished a sense of wholeness in the passive communicator.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

"I am not going to tell you what I want (i.e. passive) but I will act out toward you in a way that lets you know I am not happy, and those actions will be done in frustration or anger (i.e. aggressive)." This tends to be one of the most frequently used means of communication. Some cultural expectations that tell us we ought to be pleasant, agreeable, and not complain ultimately foster an unhealthy passivity that builds up to acting out to get needs met. This common form of unhealthy communication leads to conflict, confusion and frustration in relationships.

Aggressive Communication

"Only my needs matter." On the other side of our communication style spectrum, aggressiveness demands its own way. Aggressive communication attempts to intimidate in order to get needs met. This comes out in relationships as rigidity or inflexibility. It can be extremely self-centered, and does not consider others’ circumstances, opinions, or needs. It frequently disregards other perspectives as being, at best, not as important, and at worst, irrelevant altogether.

Assertive Communication

"I will tell you what my needs are, ask for your buy in, and be open to hearing your perspective." Assertiveness is the nice, middle ground of our communication spectrum. It respects one's own needs and desires, while also respecting others’ needs. It clearly communicates need and gives other people the opportunity to give feedback, disagree, or agree with your request.

Consider how assertive communication looks a lot like how Jesus communicated. Assertiveness opens the door for conversation. It does not demand its way. It invites questions. It is loving and collaborative. It is honest and transparent about needs, longing, and emotions. It asks for others’ perspective, ideas, and buy-in for making the situation better. Assertiveness is kind, clear, and keeps the lines of communication open. Assertiveness communicates and respects boundaries and allows relationships to be secure and healthy.

Becoming more assertive in our communication style can take practice and patience. In counseling sessions with clients who are improving their assertiveness skills, I always see improved relationships, even when that improvement is a bit of a process of successes and setbacks. New behaviors take time to develop, but in this case, the work is well worth the payoff!

Written by: Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician, Site Director HCC Oregon)

Scholarship Program Update :: We Need Your Support!

At HCC we believe economic need should never be an obstacle to someone receiving care when they need it most. Each year our Invest in Healing campaign raises support for a special scholarship program that reduces financial barriers for individuals and families who would otherwise be unable to access counseling. Many of you have faithfully given toward this scholarship fund over the years - thank you for making this important resource possible!

We are less than half way through 2026 and have already given out more than $12,000 of scholarship funds for eligible recipients (!!!). That is more than 75% of our typical yearly scholarship commitments already distributed. As our reach continues to grow, we are seeing an ever-increasing need for scholarship support particularly in the midst of challenging economic conditions for many people.

If you believe in this mission of HCC or have benefited from it in some way yourself, would you consider making a mid-year gift or joining us as a monthly partner? With a handful of small yet impactful contributions from supporters like you, we can confidently offer the same level of support without any gaps or limitations for the remainder of 2026. Click the button below to learn more about how your support can make a life-changing impact in someone's life today.

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