Think of a change that you have wanted to make in your life which, for one reason or another, has been difficult or even impossible to achieve. A change that you are convinced is necessary and beneficial, yet something within you keeps getting in the way of either starting or sticking with it.

Difficult changes are often like that. It can feel like some part of us is bought in and ready for the change and another part of us is holding back. This is particularly true when it comes to deeply ingrained and emotionally complex patterns of behavior, such as addictions, compulsions, self-destructive habits, even unhealthy relationships. Making a change in these areas can seem so obvious at times and yet so unimaginable at other times.

According to the Stages of Change model developed by DiClemente and Prochaska, this conflicted state of mind, also known as ambivalence, characterizes the contemplation stage of stage. This is when a person is convinced of the need to make a change but still weighing the implications and consequences of moving forward with the change. The person may be holding onto something within the status quo - security, familiarity, comfort, other competing interests, an established way of coping, etc. Or they might also be stuck on the uncertainty of what lies ahead. What if I am unsuccessful in making this change? What if it doesn’t last? What if it doesn’t make a difference after all? What if I lose something distinct or important to me along the way?

Scripture also speaks to this reality of having a conflicted state of mind. Think of Jesus asking his disciples to pray with him in the Garden of Gethsemane while acknowledging that “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). Paul later describes a similar tension within the self when he states, “For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” (Romans 7:18). This kind of ambivalence is attributed to our sinful nature at work within us even as the sanctifying work of God is occurring at the very same time. Ambivalence may not always look like sin in the sense of bad behavior and direct rebellion against God’s will, but it can certainly reflect a pervasive sin nature that puts us deeply at odds with ourselves and with God’s good purposes.

So then, what do we do with our ambivalence? Do we just dismiss it, get over it, power through it? More often than not, this produces the same kind of half-hearted change that does not really take hold. Instead, the key to meaningful and lasting change is to acknowledge our ambivalence and explore both sides of it, that is, the part that is ready for change and the part that is not yet ready. We need to deal with the things that we are still holding onto and recognize the role that those things continue to serve in our life in order to be able to move on from them.

Here are a few practical exercises to help with this process. We hope this will be helpful to you in whatever difficult change you might be facing.

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Written by: Matt Warren, LMHC MDiv (Executive Director)

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The Here and Now Newsletter :: Wisdom for Navigating Life's Challenges