“Who am I beyond whatever it is that I have to offer other people? Other than being seen by others as successful and well liked, I really have no idea what else there is to me.”
These words were spoken by someone whom I recently sat with in the midst of a difficult season of loss and transition. He described a constant sense of pressure that had permeated every aspect of his life to this point - pressure to perform, to hustle, to have it all together, to do whatever it takes to live up to the (assumed) expectations of others. He felt shackled to this notion of having to be a certain type of person in the eyes of others (i.e. successful, reliable, admired, etc.) and desperately longed to escape from it. But the thought of stepping away from it and trying to discover something new seemed far too risky.
In fact, anytime he had tried to do so before had left him feeling completelylost, empty, and restless. In times of silence and solitude, he found himself totally lacking motivation, purpose, or interest. Rather than bringing the respite that he needed, these times were when he felt most on edge and depressed.
Maybe you can relate to this kind of existential tension.
Maybe you feel worn down by the need to “have it all together” but depend on it for a sense of identity and validation.
Maybe you are longing to break away from the constant sense of performance but unsure of what else is even there within you.
If so, you are not alone in that tension.
False Self or True Self
Psychologists have described this as a tension between the “false self” and the “true self.” The false self is a sort of mask that we put on to gain approval, avoid rejection, or maintain a sense of control. The true self is what exists behind the mask – an enduring personal essence, uniquely created and full of meaning apart from societal pressures and influences.
In an increasingly performance driven culture, the “false self” can become so dominant that any underlying “true self” begins to feel unknowable and irrelevant. Yet we continue to experience the pain of being disconnected from the true self and long to somehow rediscover it.
Discovering the True Self
From a purely humanistic perspective, the solution to this is to embark on a journey of self-discovery, to shed the layers of the false self and uncover the true self hidden beneath.
From a biblical and theological perspective, there is something more than the self to be discovered (though certainly not less). Our true self is found in the reality of who God created us to be and is experienced in a way that is distinctly different from the false self.
Christian psychologist David Benner (The Gift of Being Yourself) captures this well when he writes, “Our knowing of ourselves will remain superficial until we are willing to accept ourselves as God accepts us—fully and unconditionally, just as we are.” He adds that we must “receive [the true self] with hospitality, not hostility” because “no one…can be known apart from such a welcome.”
Getting Practical
This sounds like deep spiritual work, and it often is. But there are also practical steps that we can take to begin opening ourselves up to this ongoing deeper work. I want to share one of those practical steps with you here - a simple journal or self-reflection exercise to get you thinking about the differences between the true self and false self.
Look over the two contrasting prompts below ("I have to be ____" and "I am ____") along with their descriptions. Take a few minutes to jot down everything that comes to mind in response to both. Notice how your responses might overlap and differ between the two columns. Consider what this might reveal about your "true self" and how you most fully and freely experience that as the person God created you to be.
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Finally, as you seek to put aside the "have to be's" and embrace your true self, receive it as an invitation to rest in Jesus (Matthew 11:28): "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
Written by: Matt Warren, LMHC MDiv (Executive Director)
Parenting Group :: Kicking Off May 12th!
Back by popular demand, we are excited to be offering our parenting skills and support group, Understanding Your Child's Needs, kicking off in early May.
Parenting is hard work, and the challenges we face as parents change constantly from one stage of life to the next. There are endless amounts of parenting gurus and resources out there but never enough hands-on guidance or encouragement.
This group is designed to meet that need for each and every participant. It will help you better understand your own parenting style, emotional regulation strategies, managing difficult behaviors, and connecting with your kids at each unique stage of development.
Click the button below to learn more about this valuable group opportunity. Space is limited, so grab a spot on the waitlist today and we will give you first access to registration when it opens next week.
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